Lost
by EllaBella18
Summary: She skips glee the first day back and she only misses it a little bit.  She's not going back to her old life, she refuses to.


So here's a quick little drabble for all of you. I wasn't even going to post it but one of my bestest friends Amanda convinced me to. Anyway, its short, and it's unbetaed so don't be too upset if you spot mistakes. I hope you guys like it, and remember, reviews are love!

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><p>Her life really starts to unravel when they're in New York. It may be miles away from the past year of her life, but there's just something about the city that makes her remember everything. The way she looked, the sweet baby smell, the way she fit so perfectly in her arms, in a way nothing ever would fit again. It all comes crashing back to her and she's sad, but mostly she's angry. She gave her daughter away so she could have a better life. And she worked so hard at regaining everything she had lost, because if she couldn't keep her baby, she needed something to strive for. Now it was all gone and she wouldn't even be getting those few sweet moments with Beth at the end of it.<p>

She dies her hair bright pink two weeks into summer vacation. She's cut off all contact with the rest of the glee club, and she just feels lost. She's not sure where the desire to dye her hair comes from, but afterwards she feels a rush of adrenaline and its the most alive she's felt in a year. It wears off shortly after her mom's mini freak-out about dying her once golden locks and she starts searching for anything to get that feeling back again. She packs up and hides all of her old clothes and dresses, opting for more black. She gets a nose ring, then a tattoo and she thinks that she's going to give her mom a heartattack before the end of the summer. She meets some guy when she's getting her tattoo done and she dates him briefly before taking up smoking and meeting The Skanks.

Deep down she knows she lost and she needs some kind of help, but she ignores that little voice inside of her and continues on her self-destructive path through her adolescence. She can't ignore the thoughts of her baby though when she's laying awake at night, wondering who she looks like, what she's like. She wonders if her baby is happy and its usually in the early hours of the morning when she drifts off to sleep tear stains on her cheeks.

She skips glee the first day back and she only misses it a little bit. They know too much about what she's been through, the stuff she's been trying so desperately to forget. And then Rachel comes to talk to her and she finds herself almost longing for that choir room and all of them almost as much she longs to hold her daughter one last time. She shakes theses thoughts off and tells Rachel no before turning her back and taking a long drag on her cigarette. She shakes her head and turns to her new friends before declaring that she's not feeling well and she's going home. As she's walking away she feels tears in her eyes and she tries desperately to keep them at bay, she's not going back to her old life, she refuses to.

Puck comes to check on her the next day. She brushes him off and when he grabs her arm to stop her from leaving she honestly feels like she's stopped breathing. She sees her in his eyes and she needs to get out of there quickly before she completely looses it, so she slips on the ice queen facade and hisses at him to let her go. He drops her arm and lets her walk away but not before he reminds her that he misses her too. She flips him off as she retreats down the hall. He doesn't get it, he didn't carry Beth around for eight months, he didn't feel her move inside of him. He didn't give birth to her, and hold her for those glorious moments and then have her taken away from nurses forever. She's absolutely livid that he thinks he can even begin to understand how much she misses her and she slams her palm against a few lockers as she makes her way out of the almost empty school. Its all starting to become too much and she still has no idea how to deal with everything.

Its a week later when she's pulled into an empty classroom by Shelby Corcran. She was completely blindsided that morning when she'd walked into AP English to find Shelby as their new teacher. She'd taken one look at her and turned right out the door, hiding behind the bleachers for the rest of the period.

"Quinn-" Shelby starts and Quinn shakes her head and makes to retreat again but Shelby blocks her exit.

"I can't talk to you. I don't know what the hell you were thinking coming here. Did you just want to remind me of everything I've been trying to forget?" She's trying to keep it together, she doesn't want this woman to see her cry. She doesn't really want anyone to see her cry.

"I thought you might want to talk. I know what its like, I've been through it with Rachel."

"What good did you think this would do? Did you come here just to torment me about seeing my baby? Because she's not really my baby anymore is she? And I can't really see her anymore. Is this like a game to you?" She's angry and everything that she's been trying to repress for so long is just bubbling on the surface and she's minutes away from completely loosing it. People may say that she never loved her daughter at all because she gave her away without a care in the world but they knew nothing. It killed her to sign those papers and she acted like nothing happened because it was the only way she could get through the day. It killed her to give away that sweet little baby girl but she did it for her, because she loved her more than anyone could ever imagine.

"Quinn, no. I want you to be apart of Beth's life, just not like this. You're so angry and sad and I understand, I do. And I know that if you're not able to be apart of her life, it just kills you more and more. I don't want that to happen to you or Puck. I want you both to have an active role in her life, but you need to try and go back to the girl you were. Because this angry shell of a person isn't you. So you think about it and we'll talk later ok?" Shelby asked making her exit out of the class room.

Quinn sank down into one of the chairs before covering her face with her hands. She felt tears start to slip from her eyes and she's honestly not sure where she goes from here. She'd love to see and be apart of Beth's life, but how was she be able to do it without being her mother?


End file.
